Kai sees her life as a series of concentric circles—her twin brother Kade occupying the center sphere with her, their parents surrounding them in the next, and the Tyler family in the outer loop, a connection Kai plans to make official by someday marrying Josh Tyler. The Martins and Tylers share fun times together, but under the surface, they are two dysfunctional families struggling with alcoholism, depression, and abuse, all of which leads to a devastating event that knocks Kai off her axis and makes her doubt everything she thought she knew.

Years later, Kai and Josh fall in love, launching a life of travel and adventure, building on their shared history, yet also haunted by it. Kai revolves around Josh, hoping he will provide the gravity to secure her in the world, but realizing that she must find faith in herself to be grounded and whole.

Excerpt:

We’d been sledding all afternoon when the accident happened. I was nine years old that Christmas of 1981, and we were on the hill in front of my house, experimenting with combinations of people on variations of sleds, trying to find the perfect weight distribution to send us shooting down the slope at top speed.

         Dad and Rob Tyler were directing the action, as invested as any of us kids in getting the most thrilling run possible. I have no memory of them drinking, but given the lifetime of memories I do have, my guess is they probably were.

The Tylers were with us for the holiday, as usual. In a way, they were our extended family, the adults estranged from their families of origin for various reasons, although I purposely did not think of them as relatives yet. I was waiting for the day I believed was inevitable, the day I would marry Josh and make us an official family. Stephanie and I must have planned my wedding to her brother about a hundred times. I can picture us lying together under the covers with a flashlight, imagining my Princess Diana-inspired dress, layers of satin billowing around me like a poufy cloud, the one romantic kiss, the happily-ever-after of it all. Then we would be sisters, live next door to each other, and raise our daughters to be third-generation best friends.

I was always so sure about things, like my home and family, Santa Claus and summer vacation—and loving Josh Tyler. I knew him my whole life, and while there must have been a time before I thought about liking boys, I can’t actually remember not being in love with Josh. At twenty years old, I still love him, despite my disillusionment about most everything else.

Among the kids, Josh was the undisputed leader, and his brothers Bobby and Nick were his primary minions, a three-man pack of mayhem and mischief. Bobby was two years younger than Josh, Nick a year younger than Bobby, with me and Kade, my twin brother, a year after them and Stephanie Tyler a year after that, pretty much a kid a year, like a ladder of children.

So there we were, the day after Christmas, Dad and Kade and I trying to make the jump to light speed. Kade was obsessed with Star Wars, so everything we did in those days was translated into galactic terms. Kade was sitting in front of me on the toboggan, aka the Millennium Falcon, pretending to enter coordinates before we took off.

“C’mon, Kade,” I said, pushing my body up against him. “Let’s go already.”

“Traveling through hyperspace ain’t like dusting crops, kid. Without precise calculations we could fly right through a star or bounce too close to a supernova and that’d end our trip real quick,” Kade said, channeling Han Solo.

         I collapsed backward against Dad in impatience and irritation.

         “Okay, Chewie, hit it,” Kade finally said to Dad/Chewbacca, who pushed us off, and we went flying down the hill.

When the older boys took a turn on the toboggan, Stephanie and Kade and I traded off in pairs on an old wooden sled with red metal runners, which wasn’t as fast but was easier to steer. Stephanie and Kade were scared if we went too fast anyway, although I never was. I was fearless, invincible.

Dad proposed one last run on the big toboggan on an alternate, riskier course that was fresh snow but steeper, with more trees and obstacles. Josh was in because Josh was always in when my dad suggested something. Bobby, Nick, and I followed Josh’s lead as per usual. I was in the front of the toboggan, because we had learned that you went faster when the lightest person was in front and the heaviest person was in back. We started down the hill at top speed, and I was thrilled. With the wind making my eyes water and snow kicking up in my face, I couldn’t see anything, including the tree we were barreling toward. My dad pulled Josh off, Josh pulled Bobby with him, and Bobby pulled Nick, but Nick didn’t pull me off. It felt like the toboggan had taken flight, so light now with only me on it.

“Jump!” Dad yelled, echoed by everyone else screaming “Jump!” but I was deer-in-the-headlights at that point and couldn’t move.

I crashed straight into the tree.

My dad froze in terror when he saw the scarlet puddle forming around me in the snow. Josh was the one who picked me up and started running back to our house.

Rob grabbed my dad by his shoulders and shook him, yelling for him to pull himself together and pushing him in our direction.

Dad quickly caught up with us,  taking me from Josh, getting me home and then to the hospital, where he and Mom waited with me for hours before a skilled plastic surgeon sewed my bloody mess of a face back together, doing such a good job that I was left with only a hint of a scar on my bottom lip, where I’d bitten clean through. I needed twenty-seven stitches in total. My nose was broken and one cheekbone had a hairline fracture, all of which was painful but nothing that wouldn’t heal.

The rest of that week could have been horrible, but I actually remember it fondly. I was in pain, with bandages that were difficult to see around, and I was on a liquid diet because of my ripped-up lip, so all of that was terrible. But I also got a lot of attention. Kade never left my side. Dad made me his world-famous milkshakes, bringing them to me and quickly scurrying away, avoiding looking directly at my mangled face. Mom made sure I took my medicine and didn’t mess with my bandages, made me soup and slept next to me in case I needed anything in the night. One day she started reading to me from my favorite book, The Secret Garden, and when something else required her attention, Kade took over for chapter two. It was sweet of him to make the attempt, but he wasn’t a good reader, and it was tedious to listen to him try to sound out the words over and over. Josh overheard and offered to take a turn, spending hours over the next few days to read me the rest of the book, admitting how much he liked it once we finished.

Josh and Kade. My two guys.

All I Know is a debut novel by Holly C. LaBarbera.  Buckberg Mountain Books, Jun 11, 2024.